Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
