textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Randomize
