my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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