My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
