You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
