You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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