Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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