apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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