he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
