Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
