I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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