do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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