onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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