Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
