There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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