i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
