I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
His nipple licking is glorious
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