apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
