***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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