can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
