For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize