omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
