can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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