I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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