I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Watching her eat just hurts me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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