i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
