it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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