We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
