I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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