if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
