If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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