Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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