I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
