I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
