Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
