He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
