just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
