We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
