I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
