Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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