Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
