Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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