i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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