Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
