My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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