I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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