when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
