The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
just tell him i said nine months
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
