Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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