im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
