Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
