i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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